Children Need to Feel That They Belong
Everybody wants to be heard and feel special!
In Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson helps us understand that misbehaving
children are discouraged children who have mistaken ideas on how to
achieve their Primary Goal: TO BELONG. Mistaken ideas lead to
misbehavior. Address the mistaken belief rather than just the
misbehavior.
Jane goes on to tell us to use encouragement to help children feel a
sense of belonging so that the motivation for misbehavior will be
eliminated. Focus on improvement rather than on mistakes.
A great way to help children feel encouraged is to spend special time
being with them, doing something you can enjoy together. With younger
children (0-4) this could be 15 minutes a day. With older children, it
could be an hour once a week. Alternate who chooses the activity.
Schedule the time on a calendar, so your children can look forward to
it.
Start a bedtime ritual of sharing the "saddest" and "happiest" times
during the day. Share first and invite your child to join in. You will
be surprised what you learn. Listen, do not fix.
Give children meaningful jobs. In the name of expediency many parents
and teachers do things that children could do for themselves and each
other. Children feel a sense of belonging when they know that they make
a real contribution. Change your approach regularly. Make it fun.
Decide together what jobs need to be done. Put them in a jar and let
each child draw out a few each week. Then no one is stuck with the same
chores all the time. Parents and teachers can invoke children to help
them make the house and class rules and list them on a chart entitled,
"We decided". Children have ownership, motivation, and enthusiasm when
they are included in the decisions.
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