Long Term Effects of Punishment
I always get such a kick out of the way Jane Nelson puts this: Get
rid of the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first
you have to make them feel worse. Do you feel like doing better when you
feel humiliated? Her choice of words seems to really resonate with
folks.
Jane challenges us to take a new look at "time out". Instead, think of
it as "feel better time" or "cooling off". Tell children in advance that
we all need a "cooling off period" sometimes when we are misbehaving.
Teach your children about cooling off periods. Have everyone practice
going to a separate area to do something to help themselves feel better.
Tell them, "This is what I am going to do when I am feeling bad, and
need to feel better." Then use it by modeling it yourself during a
situation. Be sure to problem solve later at a neutral time with mutual
respect.
Proper timing is the key. It does not work to deal with the problem at
the time of conflict because emotions get in the way. Use the cooling
off periods, then work out the problem during a neutral time when
everyone is feeling better. Have meetings to solve the problems. (More
about family meetings in a later issue.)
Punishment may work if all you are interested in is stopping the
behavior in the moment. Beware of the long range results of punishment:
Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge or Retreat.
Use Natural Consequences when appropriate. According to the late guru,
Rudolph Dreikurs, Natural Consequences are the most important means of
maintaining order. Opportunities to let your child experience unpleasant
results of misbehavior will arise in the natural course of events. Never
spare your children of these natural consequences!
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